Will you trust me?

Will you trust me?

This is the question my husband has been asking me for the last three years of our marriage. He’s never verbally asked, but his expressions, demeanor, and actions have. I ignored it. I pretended he wasn’t searching for the answer to that question. I pretended he knew the answer already and that it was an easy, no brainer…a yes.

But it wasn’t.

It’s been a process. One that I doubted and I know my husband did too.

I thought I trusted him. I knew in my heart he was committed to God, me, and our family. I knew I could trust him but something in me hesitated. Was it my powerful independence? My strong upbringing. My “I can handle it” personality? Absolutely.

But the root of it was control.

My parents went their separate ways when I was 9 years old. I couldn’t control their decision. I went from living in a world of known to all unknown. Although they did a beautiful job making my brother and I have a graceful transition and for that I am so grateful, I clung to things in my life I could control. My grades, my relationships, my decisions, my purity.

Yes, I wanted to honor God. But more than anything, I wanted to stay in control. And it has hurt my marriage.

We’ve met some strangers that quickly became family in the middle of the woods that quickly became our home. They have poured into us, challenged our beliefs, taught us scripture, and awakened us to the power of the God we’ve been serving our whole lives. This past weekend, they gave my husband an opportunity to preach. For the first time, I saw him come alive. I saw him break free from the chains he’s held onto even after he was freed. I watched him sacrificially lay his body on the cross to show his commitment to the Lord, to freedom, to me, our girls, and our journey. I saw something in him shift. I saw a man that vowed to lead me and our family.

But you see, he’s been pursuing that for the last three years. It was me that was scared to trust him. I was scared to surrender control. I was scared to let him lead.

The moment I saw him lay down on the cross, I lunged toward him holding our baby in my arms. I was made to follow him because He is following my God. I was made to trust him. I was made to cling to him. I was made to trust that no matter what, I know in the end… we will WIN.

Thank you Jesus for opening my eyes. Thank you Jesus for blessing me with a husband that loves and leads so well.

Thank you Jesus for teaching me submission.